Shameless (The Therapist #2) Page 9

  “I see. That’s interesting, actually. My best friend’s husband works on the base, and he’s an engineer, too. Do you know Daniel Backer?”

  “I do, actually,” Eric chirps, with a strange little chuckle. “Mr. Backer is a good guy. That’s so cool. Small world.”

  “Yeah it is,” I agree with a smile. “So, do you enjoy being in the military?”

  “I do, very much. It was always my dream to serve my country, and it’s the most important thing in the world to me. It’s really all I care about. I’m a Captain, so that means I can become a General if I put my mind to it. It’s going to take tons of work and time, and I’d probably have to switch career fields to do it, but that’s my goal. I want to be a General. That’d be the bee’s knees.”

  The frown I feel sweeping across my face is impossible to stop. Did he just say something would be the bee’s knees?

  “How about you? What do you do?” Eric asks, and I have to shake off the annoyance still lingering from the bee’s knees.

  “I work at Milton Animal Clinic in Milford,” I reply. “My father owns it, actually.”

  “Oh, that’s cool. So, do you want to start your own career at some point, or are you okay with just being a dog groomer?”

  I frown again. “Umm, I never said I was a dog groomer. I have a degree in accounting. I handle my father’s business finances.”

  “Oh, okay. Whew. I thought you were just a groomer. I was like, ‘Eww, gross.’ But you actually have goals. Cool.”

  I stare at Eric coldly for a moment before pulling myself away and getting a sip of water.

  On this quest of trying to find out what I like and what I don’t, Eric has already given me a few dislikes. I don’t like when guys make assumptions about me, my job, or my career aspirations. It’s cool that Eric has a career in the military, but that doesn’t mean I have to have a career in the military, or a career at all for that matter. However, I do like that Eric is driven, and I like that he’s in great shape. The military’s rigorous physical training locked that attribute down for him. He’s skinny, but shredded, and who doesn't like shredded?

  After a rough start to the evening, things between Eric and I pick up a bit. We have a decent conversation to go along with pretty good food from Michele’s, and now that we’re not talking about work or my “career”, Eric isn’t such a bad guy. That works out well for me, because unknown to Eric, I intend to use him tonight. Getting to know him, and learning about his job is all well and good, but the real reason I took this date was to learn.

  Since my last session with Dr. Colson, I’ve been doing a little learning about myself. I’m talking about masturbation. To be honest, I hadn’t really done it much before. I guess I always had a guy around to help out with that. Although, I did have to do it a few times to finish myself off after Brandon wasn’t able to.

  Now, I’ve been doing it for two reasons: because I want to, and because I’ve been curious about the type of visual stimulation I enjoy. It didn’t take me long to learn that I enjoy porn where a man is strong and dominant, maybe even choking the woman a little bit. I like to see big cocks, especially when their owners are giving them a serious stroking. My god, what is it about a man stroking his cock that is so deliciously good to watch? I’ve had a few orgasms to that alone, but I’ve even also dabbled in gay porn. Two men fucking each other’s brains out seems to send me right over the edge as well. Apparently, I like a whole plethora of things, and if Eric isn’t up to what I have planned for him tonight, I’ll have no problem going home and finding something muscular and steamy to watch.

  After all the porn and therapy, I’m ready to move into the next phase of my post-give-a-shit life. I’m ready for the part where I become the “whore” my mother will certainly think me to be. All I know is that I’m not settling anymore, no matter how many names I’m called. I’m finding new standards to hold men to, and if they don’t meet them, they’ll be brushed off my shoulder like flakes of dust. I already know Eric isn’t the type of man I’d want to be with—although my mother would push for me to marry a man with a solid career—but maybe Eric can teach me something else. There’s only one way to find out.

  “So, that’s when I realized that I hate my father,” Eric says, finishing up a story I didn’t know I was ignoring until now.

  I take a moment to knock back the rest of the red wine I ordered to go along with my meal, before looking up at Eric and hoping for the best.

  “So, you got any plans after this?” I ask, and I can see the excitement grow in Eric’s face. He lifts an eyebrow, curious about where this might be going.

  “No, umm, I didn’t have anything planned. You?”

  “Not much,” I answer, then I swallow my pride like the wine I just gulped. “So, you wanna go back to my place?”

  Chapter Twenty

  ~ Tessa ~

  After having Eric follow me to my apartment, the two of us make it inside. He accompanies me through the front door blanketed by nerves that show themselves in the form of anxious glances around the living room. Before he manages to look at me, his face is shrouded in angst. I can understand that. I’m skittish, too.

  Never in a million years did I expect to bring a random guy back to my place for a hookup. This goes against everything that has been instilled in me by my mother. According to her, no man will want me after tonight, because nobody wants a woman who is tainted with the sin of lustful pleasure. No man wants a whore. The audacity of a woman to think she can just experience pleasure whenever and however she wants. Who does she think she is, a man?

  According to Judy Milton, today is the day I’ll no longer be desirable to anyone other than guys looking for easy women to stick their dicks in. Well, if that’s true, I guess I’ll be single forever, but what I won't be is a woman who’s naive and doesn't know what she wants. I won't be a woman who doesn't know how to or is afraid to experience pleasure because of outside judgement.

  “You can have a seat,” I tell Eric as I walk past the couch and head into the kitchen, where a bottle of red wine awaits. I grab it from the top of the fridge and pour two glasses while Eric sits down.

  “This is a nice place,” Eric says, getting through the obligatory compliments of my apartment. “You been living here long?”

  “A little while,” I answer as I bring the wine glasses into the living room and set them on the wooden coffee table in front of Eric. He grabs his and sips from it before placing it back down, while I pull a few gulps from my own. Unlike Eric, I’m not driving, and I want to let all the way loose. This is a monumental moment for me, and I need all the courage I can get.

  I let the alcohol slide down my throat and settle in my stomach. After a couple of glasses at the restaurant, I’m already feeling nice, so this glass should put me in the perfect place to push my inhibitions to the side and say what I’m feeling. I take a deep breath and sit back on the couch, locking eyes with Eric, who struggles to maintain eye contact with me.

  “Okay, so I have a confession to make,” I begin, feeling every single nerve in my body. This is like trying to deprogram myself, and breaking the shackles of my mother is harder than people may think. I have a hard time breathing and have to focus. “I wanted you back here tonight for a reason.”

  Eric smiles at me sheepishly—a half smile without showing his teeth, because he doesn't want me to know how excited he’s ready to be if my reason for bringing him here is sex.

  “What's the reason?” Eric asks, furrowing his brow but still smiling.

  “My boyfriend just dumped me,” I admit. “I was with him for two years, and he just ended it so he could travel with his band.”

  Eric’s smile fades and all that remains is the furrowed brow and a look of unease. “Wait, so you want to use me to make your ex jealous? Is he going to come here? I don't want any trouble.”

  “There won't be any trouble, Eric, I promise. My ex is long gone. He's not around to be made jealous, so that’s not what this is. I wanted you here tonig
ht because after getting out of that relationship, I’m anxious to find myself, and I'm anxious to do what I want to do. I know I’m risking being slut shamed for putting myself out there like this, but I don't care. I’m a grown woman, and I want to sleep with whoever I choose to sleep with, whenever I choose. This isn't a rebound thing, it’s a what-I-wanna-do thing. I’m celebrating my right to choose my own life, and tonight I choose you.”

  Eric looks like he just saw a ghost. Not a normal ghost, though. A ghost that has scared him, but one he wants to fuck.

  “I won't give you the wrong impression or make you think that we’ll go on to get married after this. It’s not like that. This is about sex for me, and if you can't have sex with me without needing a commitment, that’s fine. You can leave right now. If you are okay with casual sex tonight, I’m right here. Just like it was my choice to sleep with you, it’s your choice whether you're interested or not. No pressure, and no judgement.”

  Eric clears his throat and shakes his head as if he's worried this might be a dream and he needs to try to wake up before going forward. After he gathers himself, realizing he’s actually awake, Eric’s smile returns.

  “Yeah, okay,” he mumbles. “I’m definitely okay with that. Umm, wow. I… I don't know what to say. You want to just start right now?”

  I exhale a loud sigh of relief. When I started my little speech, I wasn’t sure what would happen once I was done. I didn’t know if he would judge me, call me a whore, and stomp out the door. I half expected my mother to be right and for Eric’s face to shift into hers as he scolded me about promiscuity. But I’m relieved to find that Eric is okay with this decision. If he is judging me, he isn't willing to let that judgement keep him from having sex tonight.

  Instead of waiting for Eric to figure it out, I lean forward and kiss him. Our lips press together, and I use my liquid courage to be the aggressor. My tongue slips out and parts his mouth, and I can tell he’s taken aback, unaccustomed to a woman taking what she wants instead of waiting for a man to lead the way. Nonetheless, I surge forward. If he decides to back off because he’s not ready, I will press the brakes and let him leave me behind. However, since Eric opens his mouth and lets his tongue caress mine, I know we’re on this road together.

  “Oh my god,” Eric mumbles as he pulls away to look at me before coming forward again. “This is incredible. You're so incredible.”

  Our mouths press tightly together while Eric finally finds his footing and becomes the one leading this dance. He pushes up against me and I allow my body to lean back onto the couch. My legs part and Eric takes the opportunity to slide his body between my knees. I feel his erection pressing up against my clit as we slowly start to grind together like we’re on the dance floor in a club. Admittedly, it feels good, and I can feel myself getting wetter.

  After a few short minutes, I realize that this isn’t something I’m forcing. This isn’t something I’m being compelled to do. This is the opposite of that. It feels right. It feels good. This feels more natural to me than suppressing my urges. So what if Eric isn’t the love of my life? My body yearns to be touched. I want to be craved, and I want to be devoured, and I don't feel like some cock hungry slut who’s addicted to dick like heroin. I feel like a woman who’s strong enough to own herself and go for what she wants. I feel powerful and ready for a night full of pleasure.

  “Condom.” I manage to ask between steady kisses. I say the word as a demand, because it certainly isn’t a question.

  “Oh, yeah. Hold on.” Eric rushes to shove his hand into his back pocket, before revealing a thick leather wallet. From the outside, I can already see the outline of the condom, and I have to shove a laugh back into my belly before I erupt, because I haven’t seen anything like this since I was in high school. Eric even smiles nervously as he pulls the condom out.

  Once I see the condom and nod my approval, each of us takes a moment to undress. It’s awkward, but both of us try to focus on what we’re doing instead of what the other person’s naked body looks like. I remove my pants at the same time Eric does, but my nerves don’t allow me to glance down at his package to see what he’ll be delivering. Instead, I fight back a blush and lay down.

  Eric sets himself between my legs, and all I can think about now is how I’m about to break all of my mother’s rules. She’s going to lose her mind if she finds out about this, but I could jump for joy because I don’t care. For the first time in my life, I’m not concerned about what she thinks, so I lie back and prepare to enjoy myself the way a consenting adult should.

  “You ready?” Eric asks, making me think he’s about to deliver something large and hard, and I nod so he knows he has permission. The next thing I feel is the pressure of Eric sliding himself into me.

  I gasp at the initial insertion, then relax. My muscles tighten and then loosen, because while the pressure of having something shoved into you is intense, the size of Eric’s cock isn’t. I feel uncomfortable even referring to it as a cock. Eric doesn't have a cock. He has a penis. I didn’t realize there's a difference until this very moment.

  I feel it, but barely, and I actually look up at Eric to see if he’s in. I can tell from how his breathing picks up and his face contorts that he can definitely feel it. He’s actually inside me. It’s really happening.

  “Oh wow,” he says, before flashing a smile that nearly makes me cringe. “Oh my god.”

  Eric begins pumping. His movements are bumpy and awkward, and while I can feel it, it’s nothing to brag about. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do in this situation.

  Am I supposed to moan so he feels empowered? Do I scratch his back so he feels more like a man? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but this is far less than I’d hoped for. Do I fake an orgasm just to get this over with?

  Fuck that. I refuse to be the woman who fakes orgasms to satisfy men. I will never do that again. If he can't get me there, I won't allow him to think he has. He’ll just have to get over it and learn how to be better, but he’ll have to learn that with someone else.

  As the thoughts race around in my head, chasing each other, I can’t grab onto one. I don’t know what to do, so instead of just letting Eric be horrible, I try to grind myself against him, hoping to get some clitoral stimulation by pressing my body against his. I move around, and enjoy the instant tingles of my clit being rubbed against Eric’s body. Before I know it, I find a little groove and it starts to actually feel okay. I’m not going to orgasm from this, but I can at least get some satisfaction, and maybe this experience won’t be completely horrible and a big fat waste of my time.

  “Oh, wait,” Eric suddenly erupts. “Oh gosh!”

  Eric spits out a long, dry moan as he leans his face directly in front of mine. I’m suddenly engulfed by his wine breath and pure disappointment as Eric comes much earlier than either of us could’ve wanted. So much for a night full of pleasure. Once it’s over, Eric giggles, before pulling out and sitting his bare ass on my couch, panting.

  “Oh wow,” he says again, looking up at the ceiling. “That was unreal.”

  I can't think of a polite response, and I don’t bother trying. I simply lift myself up, slide back into my pants, and sit down next to Eric, who’s still sitting there naked, definitely soaking his ass sweat into my couch cushions. Maybe I’d be okay with that if he was able to satisfy me, but since he couldn’t, I just feel offended.

  “So, umm, I appreciate you coming over, but I’ve got to get up really early in the morning,” I lie, but I don’t care. What else am I supposed to say? “So, I’m gonna go get showered and get to bed, and you can let yourself out as soon as you get up and put your pants on. Cool.”

  I swallow down the frustration and lift myself off the couch, leaving Captain Eric breathing heavily behind me. Before I reach my door, I hear him call out.

  “Oh, okay. Well, have a good night,” he shouts. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

  I respond by slamming my bedroom door behind me. A few minutes later, I
hear the sound of my front door being opened and closed as Eric lets himself out of the apartment.

  Once I know he’s gone, I take a moment to sit down on my bed and think about what just happened. I was hoping for something thrilling. Something that would make it all seem worth it. I guess the first lesson I’m learning on this journey is that not every man is capable of satisfying a woman. That’s not on me, though. It’s on him. So, my shower will be one of irritation and annoyance, but I’ll wash all of that off and look forward to the next step. Whenever and whoever that may be. For tonight, it’ll be my vibrator to the rescue.

  Ugh.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  ~ Tessa ~

  “Tessa, you really should smile more. And why’d you wear your hair up today? You should wear it down, especially if you're going to be at the register.”

  My mother stands behind the counter to our animal clinic, glaring at me while I click the keys on my laptop. When things slow down with crunching numbers for my father, I try to come out of the back to help my mother with whatever she’s working on. When she’s busy with grooming, I help at the register if I can, especially if Missy isn’t available. Missy is here today, but I’m mostly caught up with paperwork, so I wanted to get out of the office and come help. You’re welcome, Mom. Thanks for being appreciative.

  “Tessa, did you hear me?” My mother continues to badger me, ignoring the fact that I’m trying not to pay attention to her. “You’re so much prettier with your hair down.”

  “I hear you, Mom. Geez.” I scoff as I reach up and pull my hair from its bun, letting it fall clumsily down to my shoulders before dropping down my back.

  “Don’t pout, Tessa,” Judy goes on. “We have to make sure you're presentable when you're in the front. Plus, you're a single woman. You want to be as attractive as possible, because you never know who might walk through the door. Your dream guy may be just outside.”